Should I stay or should I go? Why career decision-making is so difficult and how to choose well
‘Should I stay or should I go now?’
I’ve shamelessly borrowed these words from The Clash because they sum up so well the endless internal dialogue we might experience when faced with a career choice.
A ‘difficult decision’ can keep us hooked like a fish on a line, twisting to escape but unable to break free.
Back to The Clash for a minute – in this song, the speaker is asking to be put out of his misery. Is it worth his while sticking around? Does she really want him? Why isn’t she letting him know what she really wants? Interestingly, he’s waiting for her to make the decision, even while he actually has the freedom to make his own choice.
Perhaps he’s putting off making a decision, handing his future happiness over to her, handing her his freedom of choice. But there’s no doubting that he’s in pain and he wants that uncertainty to end!
So why is making a big decision so incredibly difficult?
The effect of not making a choice can be long term procrastination, months of self doubt, of endlessly listing pros and cons, swinging from ‘it’s a yes!’ to ‘but what if….?’
We’ve all been there!
Psychologists tell us that what keeps us stuck in the face of a ‘big decision’ is one simple thing:
Fear of making a mistake.
We seem talented in imagining all kinds of catastrophes that will follow if we choose Option A.
The next day we can do the same for Option B.
Stalemate.
But studies have also shown that what we regret most in life are the things we didn’t do (omission) and not the things we did (commission).
Another face of procrastination is the impact of perceived size – a decision with seemingly huge consequences can keep us frozen. For this reason, long-term decisions are easier to put off simply because they are so huge. Short-term choices feel easier.
When I work with clients who are ready to change something in their working lives, they have often been ‘hooked’ on a tough choice for some time, perhaps months, sometimes years. These choices might include:
· Should I leave a career which gives me the status and money I want, but which leaves me feeling squashed, unfulfilled and out of step?
· Should I just leave and walk away without a plan?
· I’m in the wrong job, I dread Monday mornings, but however hard I try I can’t thing of any viable alternatives
· I’m dying of boredom, this place really isn’t me, but a global pandemic is the wrong time to move
These questions (and others like them) can keep us paralysed with fear, unable to make a choice. So how to break free?
Shift your gaze
Let’s start by changing how we look at these ‘difficult’ career choices.
1. There are many good possibilities
Let’s take some of the heat out of this enormous decision.
In ‘Designing Your Life’ Stanford professors Dave Evans and Bill Burnett suggest that instead of believing there is only one perfect career, and that career fulfillment can only happen once you’ve found ‘the one’, you can instead consider that there are several very good options, each of which could work well for you. This shift in perception enables us to make a lighter choice.
Here’s their reframe:
‘There are multiple great lives (and plans) within me, and I get to choose which one to build my way forward to next.’
The two important things that offer freedom here:
– knowing that you could make a success of several different careers, depending on how you define ‘success’
- knowing that while you may choose to focus on one of these now, others may come into view later in your life, when conditions have changed
This reframe releases you from endless agonizing and helps you make a good choice based on good choosing rather than imaginary fears and black and white thinking.
2. The lie of the ‘best choice’
What’s the difference between an easy choice and a hard one? Philosopher and academic professor Ruth Chang has made answering this question her life’s work. Here’s the simple answer:
‘In any easy choice, one alternative is better than the other. In a hard choice, one alternative is better in some ways, the other alternative is better in other ways, and neither is better than the other overall.’
In this TedTalk, Ruth explores ‘How to Make Hard Choices.’
She proposes that what makes hard choices so difficult is that one option is not better than another – it’s not that we’re too stupid to see the difference, more that each of us will weigh up the pros and cons differently. We place value on different things.
Her conclusion therefore is that:
‘There is no best option.’
But there will be an option that is better for you – based on what is most important to you.
This is at the heart of the work I do with career clients – being able to understand what they value most provides a clear set of criteria. So your test of option A or Option B is about which one is taking you towards what matters most to you.
If you’d like to think about this in terms of your career, download my free guide, Know Your Success Criteria and start bringing your own measures into your decision-making.
By applying your personal values to making choices, you are not looking for external validation or reasons provided by someone else, Ruth Change believes you are doing something quite remarkable:
“We can put our very selves behind an option. … it’s not dictated by reasons given to us. Rather, it’s supported by reasons created by us. When we create reasons for ourselves to become this kind of person rather than that, we wholeheartedly become the people that we are. You might say that we become the authors of our own lives.”
And that clarity makes good choices much easier!
3. Unhooking from difficult emotions
Decisions can be agonizing because they’re messy and many-layered. Even more challenging is that they are complicated and amplified by emotions. We might be beating ourselves up over a decision in many ways, silently telling ourselves all kinds of tall stories:
‘I’m too stupid to make this decision.’
‘I’m useless at tackling the hard stuff.’
‘Everyone else is creating a better future than me.’
And when we think these kind of self-flagellating thoughts, we are also experiencing painful emotions: shame, embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, regret…….
So another important element in making clearer decisions is to separate what’s going on in these internal and often critical inner dialogues. In her book ‘Emotional Agility’ psychologist Susan David offers some useful techniques to help us navigate our emotional landscape.
She suggests that by recognizing and naming what we are thinking and feeling, we can unhook from their paralyzing impact, see what’s really going on, and take useful action.
So when I might say ‘I’m useless at tackling this hard stuff’, I could identify this for what it is: a thought.
Yes, it’s just a thought – and importantly, it’s not the truth.
I can also see what emotions are attached to that thought – disgust, disappointment, shame perhaps. I can recognize that these are feelings and by naming them, I am starting to diffuse their power over me.
So by exploring what is really going on inside my head and body (where emotions are experienced), naming them and creating distance, we can also ‘unhook’ from them, and replace them with another thought:
‘I’m feeling ashamed that I haven’t been able to make a choice. But what if I start to look at this differently and what really matters to me? How will I feel then?’
So let’s think about other ways of taking steps forward and breaking this feeling of being forever stuck – and then blaming ourselves for it.
4. Try a different question
Do you have a question that has kept you stuck for far too long? Try writing it down now.
Do the suggestions above help you see this dilemma differently? I hope so.
Another way of shifting perspective is to ask a different question. So instead of asking:
Should I leave this job?
Instead try asking:
Why would it be good for me to leave this job?
Or:
When shall I leave this job?
Both of these questions serve to open up possibilities instead of limiting yourself to the same old circular arguments.
The question WHY gives you the chance to think about the benefits of changing careers and to focus on what you value most. Your answers will highlight some values that are important to you and which are perhaps being challenged in your current work. This clarity can provide impetus for making a choice.
That’s why working on identifying your values and then using them as the cornerstone of your decision-making is central to my career change programme. This is delivered via video calls, so accessible around the world. It’s also available as a self study version here.
If you want to think more about what you value most take a look at Values Discovery.
2. The question WHEN assumes you have actually made the choice to leave and focuses on the timeline.
Many people are using this period of uncertainty to rethink their careers and to get ready for when restrictions are lifted and the economy comes back to life.
By placing a timeframe on your career change, you are reframing your dilemma and giving yourself something concrete to work towards. You’re moving again!
And if you’ve also answered the WHY question you have great intention and belief that this is the right choice for you.
5. Coaching Resource: The YES/NO Matrix
It can get very noisy inside your head when you’re stuck on a decision. Instead of being tossed back and forth by the opposing arguments, get them out in the open with this simple exercise.
Grab a sheet of paper and consider the losses and gains associated with this choice.
A. By saying yes to this option, I am saying NO to:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
B. By saying no to this option, I’m saying YES to:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Give yourself some time to reflect on these answers and notice the difference it’s made to your thinking.
Human beings tend to over-think, so don’t forget to trust your intuition – which option feels better? How would you feel if one option suddenly disappeared?
So, should you stay or should you go?
Coming back to The Clash and you may have decided the question is less about staying or going and much more about getting ready – plus knowing which is the best direction for you right now. This might be the perfect time to dedicate time and attention to the task of getting ready.
If you could use some help to identify the real questions that are keeping you stuck, reframing them, or finding your next steps forward, just hit the button and set up a 30-minute career call. It’s completely free via video call and you’ll walk away with greater clarity on what needs to happen next for you.
You don’t have to agonize alone for the rest of this year – honest!
If you enjoyed this article you might also like:
10 ingredients for a successful career change - at any age
Why personality plays a part in a great career choice - but is not the whole story
Do you feel trapped in a career you’ve outgrown? Here’s how to open up new possibilities
How to land your dream job - even when you have no experience