Have you ever found yourself caught between the past and the future – living in transition?

You’ve left the last phase of your life but haven’t yet discovered or put down roots in your new one. This limbo can be a very unsettling and disorientating place, but it can also be a time to find your true north and prepare for the next, more fruitful stage in your life.

I’ve found myself in this ‘waiting room’ at different times in my life:

The end of a relationship with all its emotional and mental turmoil, gradually leading to acceptance and the journey towards a new reality. It’s messy, unpredictable, and painful.

The end of one career (whether through choice or externally imposed) that opens a new landscape and a changing sense of identity. It’s easy to feel at a loss and untethered in this space.

What happens in this ‘in-between’ zone and how can we make it easier for ourselves? When we’re in transition, the security and comfort of our former world is lost to us. We’re in a liminal space, one that fails to provide a sense of belonging.

In this place, it’s important to create some personal anchors, solid ground to stand on and from where we can feel steady and see clearly for the new journey ahead. With this more stable reality we can set off with greater confidence, exchanging confusion and inertia for clarity, direction and action.

We can learn to even enjoy and consciously design this time of becoming!

6 Ways to navigate this no man’s land

1. Recognize this is temporary

When we know what’s happening, and that this is a natural part of starting anew, it’s easier to frame the experience as acceptable rather than overwhelming. Instead of feeling disarmed and confused by this uncertain time, creating a mental map of what’s happening and acknowledging that this will change brings greater agency and the possibility of new direction and movement.

So yes, know this is a period of time that won’t last forever. This is somewhere to pass through - it will end and a new, more rewarding time will begin.

2. Know what you’re (really) feeling

Feelings are powerful and can be disorientating. They can determine and dominate mood and hang heavy around us. But when we can name the different emotions we are experiencing, we take the first step towards clarity.

An emotions wheel like the one below is helpful and enlightening. Recently I experienced a big change in my personal life and used the wheel to get clearer – I was surprised to learn that all the dominant emotions I was feeling were from the zone of fear. Just knowing that helped me to process and accept that this was a normal part of letting go of one place and getting ready for another.

Susan David, author of Emotional Agility: Get unstuck, embrace change and thrive in work and life, reminds us that our emotions are data – not directives. Asking what these feelings can telling us about what we value most is a positive way forward.

Another approach to managing difficult emotions is this self-compassion technique from the field of Positive Psychology (Goldstein, 2015):

3. Identify what you (really) want next

When experiencing a state of confusion and unhappiness, it’s hard to think clearly or find the energy to anchor ourselves. The best way to find solid ground in these circumstances is to uncover your values and bring them into action. This will mean you are focusing on what matters most to you in your life, what you prize most highly and must have in the next phase of your life.

Uncovering and igniting your values means being totally honest with yourself. This is no time for adopting other people’s values – you need to pin down your own and bring them to life. This might be the first time you’ve really thought about what’s most important to YOU - not what matters most to your parents, peers, colleagues or boss!

If you need some help uncovering your own values and using them to create a life that feels more you, read more about Values Discovery here, or get in touch.

4. Swings and roundabouts

When moving from one phase of your life to another, there are bound to be things you lose and other things you gain. When you can see these things clearly, it’s the first step to accepting reality and understanding what is actually possible for the next chapter.

Breaking down the conflicting aspects of this transitional time is also immensely helpful. Try a worksheet like the one below that asks you to identify the following as aspects of your situation:

* what you are thankful for from what is now past

* what you won’t miss

* lessons learned

* the benefits and opportunity of this change

This will help you release what belongs in the past and the possibilities that are opening up for a better future.

5. What’s in your control – and what isn’t

It’s natural to feel powerless at times when you’re in limbo. The familiar landscape has shifted along with your equilibrium and usual locus of control. In this case, it’s helpful to distinguish between the things you can control and those you cannot.

In your control: how you respond to events, your attitudes, effort, focus, thoughts, ideas, and choices

Beyond your control: someone else’s feelings, motivations, actions, attitudes or thoughts

Always notice what choices you have at any point in this transitional time and choose in line with your values. You’ll then shed a whole raft of frustration and know that you are moving in the right direction for you.

6. moving on

This is a tough one because it involves different levels of acceptance.

Firstly there’s the rational acceptance that things are different now, understanding what is past and what is today’s reality. We might think we have accepted the complexities of letting go of the past when we say the words out loud – and this is an important step.

At a deeper emotional level, however, lies another type of acceptance and this is a much tougher nut to crack. Susan David’s work on emotional agility is very helpful here. She talks about unhooking from the web of emotions you will be experiencing during this period of transition, understanding what each is, what it’s telling you and how to use that information to build a future that honours what you value most.

It’s also easier to let go of the past when you have a clear and compelling vision for a better future. Each of us will be on a personal journey to create that vision and bring it to life – it might take weeks, months or years, but it’s a crucial part of this ‘becoming’ process. It’s worth taking the time necessary for this step – and one way to do this is encapsulated in my self-guided retreat:

Inspired – starting again with confidence

This self-guided online course helps you to navigate the liminal space we’ve been discussing and shows you how to let go of the past and step with optimism and intention into your future.

It’s still available at the very special price of £29, but as we emerge from the pandemic I’ll be reviewing all my online prices.

I hope these ideas for navigating a difficult time of transition will help you manage this journey with as much grace and balance as you can muster. I’d love to hear what has worked for you and if you’d like to explore coaching through a difficult time, just get in touch using the button below….

Survival tips when you’re adrift between careers