The Comparison Con: How to stop comparing yourself with other people – and what to do instead

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ – Theodore Roosevelt

Why do we do it?

Comparing ourselves to others is a natural part of being human. We do it to understand if we’re ‘on track’ or check our status. Psychologists explain it through their social comparison theory. 

More often than not, the impact of such comparison is negative. We end up feeling a sudden jolt of inadequacy, which can sabotage our mood or even undermine our whole day.

A much better approach, if we’re consciously seeking to check our progress, is to compare ourselves to something far more relevant and meaningful – ourselves.

In most cases though, we compare ourselves with others by accident. For example, scrolling on social media is the best place in the world to set ourselves up for a comparison fall. Limiting exposure is therefore an important way of preserving self-esteem.

Over time, it’s easy to absorb the hype we experience about other people and mistake fiction for fact. Remember that all too often we are comparing our internal state with someone else’s external version of themselves – which is probably posed, edited and photo-shopped.

We can lose touch with our own achievements, values, strengths and unique contribution. We lose clarity on what matters most to us – and why comparing with others is so pointless.

How does comparison make us feel?

Most experiences of social comparison are negative. 

We notice someone who’s doing better at work, whose business is thriving, who has lost weight, in a new relationship – whatever it may be, our minds skip to the proof that the other person is better, has a happier life, is cleverer or more successful than we are. And we feel awful - inadequate, unsuccessful, unattractive. Downright urgh!

When you compare yourself to others, you might feel:

·      Insecure

·      Envious

·      Discontented

·      Resentful

·      Miserable

·      Frustrated

·      Afraid

·      A failure

·      Inadequate

But it is also possible to reverse the trend.

Over time, it’s possible to learn new ways of thinking about yourself and learn to value the person you really are.

Your self-esteem will grow, you’ll feel more at ease with yourself and your place in the world. You’ll accept the ups and downs of life and trust yourself to deal with them. You’ll acknowledge that we each have a unique life, that you have achieved many good things, have much to be grateful for, and can feel confident about the future.

You may still experience a sudden rush of comparison deflation, but by learning techniques to build up self-esteem, nourish self-confidence and accept who you are, you’ll also be managing the destructive urge to compare.

What to do instead

These 20 techniques and habits will help you counter the urge to compare, or the fallout when you accidentally slip into the comparison trap.

Dip into this toolbox and develop the habits that work best for you:

·      Anchor to what matters most to you – these values are your true measures of success

·      Learn to know and value your strengths; appreciate and celebrate them

·      Develop a practice of gratitude – every day, focus on 5 things you’re grateful for

·      Let love, courage, hope and authenticity guide your choices (NOT fear)

·      Identify your powerful self – you at your best – and invite them in instead of comparing yourself with others who simply don’t matter

·      Consciously let go of old beliefs inherited from your parents, teachers or peers – establish your own core beliefs and live to honour them

·      Learn to tell a better story – you’re NOT behind

·      Learn to distinguish fact from fiction

·      Compare yourself with yourself – not other people

·      Focus on YOUR journey and how far you’ve come

·      Create affirmations that resonate with you (some suggestions in the image below)

Try one of these

or create your own..

·      Choose activities you love – enjoy your life

·      Recognize joy in your life – notice, amplify and appreciate what gives you joy

·      Be purposeful when using social media – avoid careless scrolling

·      Become aware of, and avoid, your comparison triggers

·      Choose role models who inspire you, not who make you feel inadequate

·      Know you can choose to focus elsewhere, you have agency and can change what happens next

·      Care for yourself - then for other people

·      Accept where you are and who you are

·      Avoid the word ‘should’ – it signals someone else’s value system

Whenever you feel that shock of comparison - where your heart plummets and you feel inadequate - pick one of these techniques to replace that sensation. 

Move away from the trigger, create a quiet space, focus on your chosen technique or affirmation. Allow reality to replace the false story.

I hope these ideas will help you understand what’s happening when you fall into the comparison trap and give you much better ways of caring for your self esteem. Which do you think you can use today?

Discovering a more positive view of yourself, valuing your strengths and understanding what fulfilling work means for you - all these are at the heart of my career change services. Give me a shout if you’d like to discuss what’s missing in your current career, and how you can create something that brings you greater fulfilment.